I kant deal with dis at all..an' I not even trying to deal with it.
its all rite deah in front of mih but I not takin' it in. I jess cyar do it. my mind wont let me
this man was so alive and so into us it was incredible. he seeped right in
di'ze wat. he was no trouble a all to deal with, nutten abrasive, who created
internal rejection to himself in your soul. he was there he was right and he just walked into you
and he got in and lived there and now he is no longer there, gone in this way at this time he leaves a hole you did not know existed..
it is not right, not possible to let it in the news, and to contain, far less to regularize it, make it routine experience
and go on with life. but you have to..so let it take its course then
I cyar deal with this at all. I am at one and the same time explosively angry..at what I doh know. maybe at life
itself. "why the fuck man..why!!!
"... not even as a question! also forlorn, a wet, loose,
wide and long long long feeling that is like yesterday was...endlessly cloudy, wet, day..a day that brought no answers..only pain.
and yet the sun shone for a while yesterday, a minit or so, through it all and during a short point, the sun shone right through it all. Kobe was no trouble at all. a nice factor had been removed from life, a factor that had been part of our happiness not our pain
man! none! we did not even know we loved him. now we do!
I wish I cud hol' the world and shake it into shape, stop all this. why not..why cant we make it good al along the way!! no trouble no pain, not harm and hurt..to reverse all the pain skunt pain is like an ever present factor that stresses the soul. you don't want to make pain nor feel it yourself but you do in both counts ?????
I am ceaselessly angry, flawlessly angry..angry like I have never been angry before..and I cant explain why. this is supposed to be normal.
this fucking life is like the changes the Chairman made to this board. its stupid and totally unnecessary, out of the blue, no logic to it and no urgency or reason for the changes yet there they are..and I did not make them but it is me too, affects me, changes my life hurts and pains...and there does not seem to be any god dam thing I can do about it
fuck it all!